I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
