Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
