Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
