Soap is not a condiment
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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