Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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