you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
