I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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