6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
