Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
