Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
