i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
