Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
