you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
