i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
