im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
