you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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