I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
