You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
