You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
