she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Let's paint friendship bongs
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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