You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Blood and glitter go together right?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
