I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
