She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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