I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
