I can text with my tongue
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
