it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
