I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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