drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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