I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
