moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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