Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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