My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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