Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
