I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
