What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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