Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
