A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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