I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
