Swine flu. Run for my life!
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize