so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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