I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i've created a new STD.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
