You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
