my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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