Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
