Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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