I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
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Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
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I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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