I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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