He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
