I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
