I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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