you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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