I showed him my bush... on skype.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
