I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize