Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
